Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the future…
I just came home from my my second time to attend the Young Professionals’ Discipleship / Small Group from church (I think in other churches, they call it the Singles’ or Young Adults’ group or whatever).
The people were fun, and although I already formed some less than positive opinions about the group in general, I am ready and more than willing to have a change of heart and mind, as I had only attended twice. It is only the second time I have ever attended; I had only graduated from college last year.
Last year. I look back, and I cannot believe almost a year has passed since I left university. And of course, I inevitably ask myself the questions: what have I done so far? What had I amounted to? Is it something to be proud of?
Now why do I suddenly bring this up?
Why suddenly reflect on my lifelong achievements so far after attending the Young Pros DGroup?
Well, it’s a little complicated, and I am not quite sure how to express it in a way that will not completely be confusing…
But to put it simply, attending the DGroup and seeing how all these other Young Pros have gone and gotten themselves started on their careers, seeing their independence… And then I could not, for the life of me, help thinking that with my education, with what I have, with what I am, I can definitely go as far, or even farther.
Well, suffice it to say that it was the first time I had acutely felt the desire to get my own career started, somewhere other than on missions.
There. I said it. My deepest darkest secret of the moment.
It was one thing to commit, and recommit, and recommit again, and structure your future plans on doing missions when surrounded with like-minded people egging and pushing you on towards a specific path.
It is another thing to be surrounded by people who seemingly have no thought for it, or at least not that I can see it (but again this is a hasty generalization which I am willing to recant in due time).
And so first the first time since the time I joined CCC as an Intern staff, I felt like I was figuratively doused with cold water.
Now, for those of you who might be wondering if I had a change of mind and heart with my present calling, put your minds at ease. I have no intentions of going back on my commitment (my contract ends next year). And my love for the lost has not subsided.
The point is that my mind and heart have not changed, only that the temptation to leave, to quit, to not care, to complain about how unfair it is that I am stuck only here when I could be — and sometimes want to be — someone else, someone I deem better, has just been upped by several degrees more.
But of course, one must not pray for the disappearance of temptation, but for strength to overcome it. One must seek to be secure in one’s identity in God, and that one will perceive and prefer God’s will for him or her.
One last thing: some might, after reading this entire thing, be thinking that attending the DGroup has brought harm than help to me so far. On the surface level, that might be true, but I believe there is always a purpose as to why God allows things to happen, and for those who love Him, they can trust that it will be for their own good.
And while I believe everything will be revealed in due time, I have some guesses: it is not a coincidence that more than ever before, now is the time I am thinking of the future, and that several issues I have must be addressed.
Sigh. The future has never been foggier.